Hellburger. Aptly Named.

So ok, Obama and Joe went to Hellburger yesterday for lunch and it was the talk of the town here in DC. If you haven't been to Hellburger you can forget it now. It was already tough to get seating in the tiny bare bones burger joint but now it will be next to impossible. And I feel compelled to tell you that despite all the hype you're going to hear about it after Obama's visit I want you to know that it is the opinion of this admittedly nascent food blogger that you're not missing out. If you like burgers cooked all the way through topped with crispy bacon and onions or even fried onions on a toasted buttery bun...beware. Because that is NOT what you are going to get at this place.

We went to Hellburger some time ago when it first opened. And I remember it so vividly because I won't go back, much to the chagrin of my husband who claimes he liked it but really just loves to go against me. I won't forget and cannot forgive the following: the not very crispy applewood smoked bacon; the sauteed mushrooms [these things look like freaking earthworms--which we adore, don't get us wrong. But these onions are brown and slimy; overly marinated and overly sauteed. I prefer either a few crispy red or Vidalia rings or fried onions but not soggy brown onions]; and the untoasted bun [plain and simple I won't stand for plain and simple bread; I prefer toasted, buttered and grilled or at the very least just toasted. Or grilled. But if grilled or toasted then definitely buttered.].

Oh yeah...and there's one more tiny minute detail about Hellburger. One caveat, if you will... And ladies you may want to sit down for this...THEY DON'T HAVE FRIES. Yes, you read that right. They do not offer fries, and what's even worse, they don't even offer chips! As a side they offer [are you ready for this?] watermelon. I love fruit, but watermelon? It's a little cheap, no? Can't we afford some fries? You know people want them! [I'm talking to the proprietor here] Or if we're sticking with the fruit maybe a nice fruit salad? Very disappointed by the watermelon, particularly because the proprietor of this joint (the dude behind Ray's the Steaks, which I also didn't care for) is doing gangbusters at both Hellburger and RtS.

Anyhow, what we did like is how Big O takes his burger. He likes it nice and simple: medium rare [which we would NEVER do but Big O can do no wrong], a piece of cheese and some "spicy mustard." He didn't want to seem bourgeois by asking specifically for Grey Poupon but we know that's what he wanted. Because that's what we like too, B-town.

Bottom line: If Big O and Joe wanted a good burger they should have turned to Shelly O. for the goods: Five Guys, easy. Where else can you get green peppers on your burger???